It's three AM out in the country, fuckin' hot, and I gots nothing to do and too much energy to do it with.
But it's fine for me in the wee hours, I don't really have a car or a computer of my own right now so if I want to do anything private it's got to be now.
The psychiatrist at the rehab facility diagnosed me with major unipolar depression -- MUD, isn't that nice? -- and it's been kicking my ass since I last posted. But I've swung out of it over the past couple of days. I keep reminding myself that what's bad is good...
Inflicting physical pain on myself isn't really my modus operandi, but the idea was first brought to my attention with regard to self-cutting. Causing myself physical pain releases opioids, which help make the pain go away. It might not be very effective, or healthy, or A Good Idea, but paradoxically this self-harm is an attempt to heal.
Wikipedia dropped me the notion that depression
is in the same class of behavior. Depressive behavior is a means to signal a need by doing things that must hurt, to prove the point that something's wrong.
Maybe staying in bed all day is a means to an end, sending up a flare so to speak, and it has a meaning. Mmmm, validation.