It's three AM out in the country, fuckin' hot, and I gots nothing to do and too much energy to do it with.

But it's fine for me in the wee hours, I don't really have a car or a computer of my own right now so if I want to do anything private it's got to be now.

The psychiatrist at the rehab facility diagnosed me with major unipolar depression -- MUD, isn't that nice? -- and it's been kicking my ass since I last posted. But I've swung out of it over the past couple of days. I keep reminding myself that what's bad is good...
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Holy shit, I just typed up this long post about where I've been gone to all this time, and my fingers slipped and it got deleted. Seriously.

To make a long story short: I'm better off. I have more self-confidence, and I'm more willing to assert Truths about myself. 10 weeks in an adult residential substance abuse program (aka rehab) will change a man.

I am calm, reasonable, charismatic, trustworthy, and a natural-born leader. I have the Tao of leadership, which is to say that if I accept a project from you, I will do it so gracefully that you'll forget you asked and just accept it as done.

And as of right now: I'm living with my mom outside of Sac again. Lonely. Hot. But I've got a huge support system out there, I went to an NA meeting today, and one yesterday. Just got invited to a rez to take part in a recovery-only sweat. ^_____^ And I'm going back to school. Again. I think you can find me swearing never to move back up here or go back to school, somewhere in this journal. Luckily I now know that growth is a greater virtue than consistency. ^____^

Anyway. How y'all been?

yay humor style quiz.
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Dammit, I really really wanted not to miss it. But I missed it anyway. My last journal entry was my 1,000th.

Which makes this my

1,001st!

Woot!

Anyway. About my brain being different...
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So, therapy two days a week looks like a go. In addition to whatever appointments I end up having with my very hands-on, full-fifty-minutes, I-am-not-a-prescription-dispenser psychiatrist. I like being crazy, all this attention from mental health professionals (it was even her idea to go to two days a week!) scratches my itch.

Listening to Lexapro: 4 days in
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My SFBG horoscope (Pisces) says that this week is going to suck all kinds of ass but the changes I've made over the past six to nine months will carry me through. I'm not sure a horoscope has ever been more right.

My household is breaking up, which decision was taken the day I started SSRIs. Heh. I'm welcome to stay -- bright_valkyrie has offered to let me sign a lease, a formality none of us chose to undergo previously. My world is kind of a swirl right now.

My therapist told me she thinks it'd be "very beneficial" if we went to seeing each other two days a week. I guess that feels good, as I start dealing with things I find more help there to deal with them. And my mom seems okay paying for more mental heath care for me, but she did give me a pretty strong guilt trip, same as she always does. I didn't need the guilt trip, and she started it with "This is probably a conversation we should have a week or a month from now, but..." but apparently she couldn't not give it. Knowing her she'll do the same thing in a month because that disclaimer meant she didn't really say anything this time.

Listening to Lexapro: 48 hrs. out
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Listening to Lexapro: 24 hrs. out
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So! About the crazy.
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So, first appointment with Dr. Schiff was stunning. She's much less about me cultivating my own awareness than my therapist is. She was very straightforward. "Here's what your issues look like to me, here's how your past created those issues, here are the things we can do." (For the record, studies prove -- and I believe from lived experience -- that both talk therapy and psychiatry heal you faster and more thoroughly.)

In my case, the thing we can do is make another appointment for two days from now, as she apparently believes there are some things we should deal with immediately. And seemed a bit surprised that this is my first go-round with psychiatric medicine, but maybe that's just me projecting.

Luckily I'm crazy either way. Ah, certainty, thy name is madness.

Oh! Lookie! A trickster meme!

( Trickster meme )

Hee hee, the crazy train is picking up speed. (*snerk* That'll be much funnier if I get an Adderall scrip.) Just got in with a psychiatrist on the UCSF faculty.

LIFE WILL BE SKITTLES AND BEER. -- THE MGT.

( American Measurement Meme )

mirgar.com expired four days ago and somebody in Panama has it now.

:(
</3
:(

Fuck. I really hope nothing important still goes to my addresses there. Fuck.

I feel like I just lost a part of my identity.

*realizes he hasn't gotten an email to that address since last March, and chills out some*

So as my faithful readers know, I'm a Green who votes Democrat tactically. As such this article really got my goat: Democrats waffling on an immensely beneficial environmental initiative because it's Schwarzenegger's baby and they don't want to give him the victory.

3,000 megawatts of solar power in California. Five percent of consumption at peak. Equivalent of six fossil fuel-burning plants, or two nuclear plants, and no new land broken or pollutants pumped. Clean, renewable energy will finally matter in California. And the party that's in theory on the left is standing in the way.

Bullshit. Seriously. Politics before progress.

So, I'm writing a letter, least I can do. ( Text beneath )

According to the stats so far, I seem pretty normal. Yay normal!

Heh. The Ojos de Brujo concert is at the same time as SF Pride. The City is gonna be a maaaaaadhouse... but the concert site is only twelve minutes from BART by bus! And it's free! Yay.

Me acompaña la fuerza de siete dragones de fuego...

Hunh. Wire article on gender difference in orgasm leads with the idea that areas of women's brains turn off, specifically those relating to fear and anxiety. But I was shocked by an aside: "However, the scans did show activation of reward centers in the brain for men, but not for women."

So what you're telling me is, women don't actually enjoy getting off like I do?

And the site the article lists for further information has exactly nothing. Their search engine returns one hit for "orgasm", and it's about counseling for infertility. These people must not do much study about reproduction the old-fashioned way.

It's got bulls. It's got sex. It's got violence. It's got EVERYTHING.

I ended up down at emberleo's house for the day today. We got together with princessmei and her SO, and there was hot tubbing and chocolate, though I forgot to bring my swimsuit. I used the opportunity to read Sandman, which Ember has all of, and I got through to book VIII, World's End. It was good to see Ember again, I well and truly missed her.

I'm trying to sort through my priorities as my finances allow, and it's hard. What's important over the next month? Therapy and whatever other mental health help might develop. Hammer Oak Midsummer, Hammer Oak rune and lore class. Vanic Conspiracy on Freyja. Free Ojos de Brujo concert and already paid for t'ai chi class, but transportation costs apply. Anything else that costs more than a cup of coffee and isn't in walking distance won't happen for me. In fact I'm not sure I'll be able to do everything on this list.

But the sky and the sand and the sea are free, eh? I haven't been walking as much as I'd like to anyway.

ph33r my spinning head.

It's all elejournal's fault. *finger of blame*

My housemates elejournal and rentravler got MARRIED today! Mr. Choo and Mrs. Boo, as they've taken to calling themselves. They got married here, at the house, with forty or fifty of their family and friends coming along throughout the day to celebrate. The ceremony was beautiful, hilarypoet and nithogg officiated, and the four of them together designed it themselves. It was very Hammer Oak, really. To the point, symbolic without bullshit. And the entire event would have been less elegant without bright_valkyrie.

I was deputized as videographer at the last minute, I had a lot of fun doing it actually. I can't wait to see the tape, I will enjoy analyzing my own naive filmmaking.
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And in closing, a song that's been running through my head... perspective, Animaniacs style. It's a great BIG universe and we're all really puny, we're just tiny little specks about the size of Mickey Rooney...